It’s been much too long since I posted anything here… blame it partly on limited to no internet access over the last nine months or so; partly on my needing to work through some things personally and to be able to find my voice again – more on that in the next post.
Anyway… last year, especially the second half, was about letting go and the lessons I learned along the way. After being let go from my job due to restructurization of the company, I let go of my apartment, put everything I own into storage and went “home”. Home for me is a relative term as I don’t truly know where home is. My parents have not lived for almost 30 years in either of the houses or towns in which I was raised. But I’ve always told my kids that “home” is where mom lives, so I guess that is as true for me as anything.
I let go of my car and took the train across the country toward home, whatever and wherever that is. I had intended to post a blog about the wonders of train travel, but that somehow didn’t feel right or necessary.
I spent a few wonderful weeks with my beautiful daughter and then went to visit my parents. What I had intended as a visit for a month or two turned into seven months in which I worked very hard helping them to let go of 50+ years of accumulated “stuff”. It is extremely difficult for either of them to let go of anything, but I persisted, gently. We took several truck and trailer loads of metal to the scrap yard. We had four yard sales and donated the leftovers to a church sale and a thrift shop. We/they let go of a LOT of stuff and barely made a dent. But they discovered how good it feels to let go of unnecessary clutter and so now they are on the path to letting go of things that have no significant value – monetarily, sentimentally or symbolically. It’s a start.
After nine long months of “sofa surfing”, I have had to learn to let go of my independence, my privacy, my peace and quiet, my way of doing things, of running my own household, of pretty much any semblance of control I once had over my life. I have learned how little I really need materialistically. It seems that no matter where I’ve been in the past few years, something that I “needed” was in storage on the other side of the country from where I was at the moment, so I learned to make do, to find creative ways to fill the need. I have learned to live with just what I can fit into a smallish car. Sometimes when I didn’t have something that I “needed” I would think “what if I had lost that in a fire or a flood or a hurricane?” as so many people in the world have done in the past few years. It is indeed freeing to learn what is truly important.
I have learned to let go of my belief that I was in control of my finances and to trust God and the Universe to supply my daily bread. He has been faithful to do that, teaching me to rely fully on Him, not for my monthly bread or my yearly bread, but for my daily bread. It is so easy to pray as in the Lord’s Prayer, “give us this day our daily bread” without truly hearing it or knowing what it means. I now understand that concept and am thankful both for the lesson, and for the fulfillment of my daily needs.
On a deeper, more personal level, I have been able to let go of emotional ties to people and memories and negative energies that have been holding me prisoner for too many years – most of which I was not even aware. I have let go of past hurts, of walls that I had built. It has been hard and painful and cathartic. I have wasted too many years not realizing that I needed to let go of those things in order to move forward in my life. More on that in the next couple of blog posts.
And now as I “sofa surf” at my aunt’s home for the next couple of weeks, I continue to let go of things, of issues, of past hurts and painful memories. And I am grateful for those experiences that have taught me so much and for the tools with which to remove them from my present and future reality.
I saw a great movie a couple of weeks ago – The Gambler, with Mark Wahlberg. At one point in the movie his character says, “I want a real love, a real home and a real life.” That is exactly what I want as well and have set my intentions on those things for the near future. I am now on a quest to find a nice old camper to “glam up” and make my home for the next several months or a year so that no matter where in the country I am at any given time, I can have my own space and my kitty with me. It is time to regain some autonomy, to take “home” with me, wherever on the planet this gypsy goes from here.
I am on the brink of a brand-new bright, shiny future and I can not wait to see what’s in store for me next! I invite you to come along for the ride!
Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 of Letting Go.